I have realized that the confusion I have been experiencing lately might in fact be mindlessness. One of my teachers, Ethan Nichtern, says that mindlessness is « a constant objectification », a projection of our desire onto something or someone. When one is mindless, he says, one puts all their awareness only on the desired object and never asks the question « who is experiencing this? »
Meditation is training in mindfulness, it is creating the space to watch the arising of desire. And by doing just this, by going back to my meditation practice again and again, by getting completely bored with myself on my cushion, I have come to the realization that what I desire, what I want, is a state of mind, not something or someone, but how it/he makes me feel. What I long for is that moment of feeling one, that moment of dissolution between subject and object, that moment when my ability to conceptualize another is completely overwhelmed.
I have experienced this surely many times, we all do (just think about the blissful experience of eating chocolate), but one particular occurrence has recently resurfaced and now stands out. It was a long time ago, the contours of the actual event are blurred and only a few images remain. But I remember that specific night as one of these perfect moments, where I felt fully alive, satiated and completely connected to another sentient being. (I hate the word « connected » by the way but I find no better one to describe my experience).
I am aware that this particular moment will never happen again, that if I were to replay something like it, it would probably lack its original overwhelming sense of cohesion. I have enough meditation practice to know that the « perfect moment » is not something to look for in anything or anyone and cannot be fabricated. In the end, I know that feeling « connected » really depends on the quality of my presence with myself, the world and the beings around me. From a Buddhist perspective, subject and object are always the same, I understand that.
Having said all of this, let’s be honest: I understand the mechanics of my desire, I can feel it is losing its grip, I can even write about it and sound like I have my shit together, but gosh, the longing still has a face.